Not now...

She inevitably held on to her tears. "Not now, not now" she screamed in her head. Not when the people were too close by. Not when they were ready to tease her, to intrigue her, to cheat her out of her emotions. NO. Not yet.

The meeting ended and the rain began. It was all she could do to walk--rush away and not to run. She stopped, right behind a corner. Waited. Nothing. She has to keep going if she doesn't want the barriers to break. She went on walking.

There was only a few hours left. There was nothing she could do to make up for what she had lost. She counted--prayed. "Lord don't let him call." She prayed. But in her heart she couldn't stand not saying goodbye. And worse, she couldn't stand the thought of actually saying it. "Will he call?"

The phone rang. She didn't want to answer. She almost told them she was already sleeping. But no. That would have been too unfair. Not when she already stood him up earlier that day. No. She couldn't do such a thing to him...not now.

She answered. It was small talk. Most of it was him saying he was leaving. Five times. He said it five times. She knew what was going to happen next. She wanted it. But she was also scared. She didn't want it to happen...not now. "Love you." Once. He said it once.

The barriers broke. The swell overflowed and filled her up to that which cannot be measured. No. She will not say it. No. She will not repeat his words. "Not now, not now, not now." She screamed in her heart. She screamed in her heart with tears in her eyes.

"When you come back, can I be yours?"

She wanted to say it. She longed to say it. But no. It had to wait.

"Love you too...but not now."

-T_T 10:20am Nov. 5, 2009 CSM 333