What If Only Then

What

We'd been friends since we were kids. I pulled her hair once. Once a day, that is. She'd cry sometimes. Most of the time she'd chase me. We were neighbors. I'd see her walk to school with her mother every day. I'd walk the other way to school so I don't have to listen to her talk. She annoyed me with her squeaky voice.

When we got older, things changed. We barely talked. Our family moved to another neighborhood, and I only saw her when she'd buy bread before going to her school. She sometimes walked with her friends. All girls. I figured she didn't have a boyfriend yet. I wanted to walk her home sometimes. I never did.

The last time I saw her, she was walking alone in the mall. I followed her for a while. People must have thought I was a stalker. She stopped and sat down on one of the outdoor benches. She was sad. She didn't see me. I didn't talk to her. I never saw her again.

If

If he wanted to talk, he could have approached me. If he still wanted to be friends, he could have said so. As it was, he never seemed to be interested, no matter our friendship in the past.

I saw him walk away. Why didn't he want to talk? I shouldn't be so annoyed. We haven't talked about anything for a long time. What made me think he'd want to talk now? I wanted him to talk to me. It doesn't matter now.

He has new friends now. He goes out with them, watching movies, playing computer, going to beaches. I sometimes see him jogging at the park with the rest of his group. I never look at him long enough to see if he would notice me. I just keep going my way.

One day, I decided to treat myself to dinner alone. I sat at a table near the back. he didn't see me. I guess he didn't. He was busy talking to his date. She was pretty, but I didn't stare. I focused my attention on my suddenly undesirable baby back ribs. As I walked out of the restaurant, I glanced back at them just long enough to see him reach for her hand.

Only

It's been years now. I lock the door to my apartment and start my way to work. I pass by a lady selling the daily newspaper. She smiled at me and asks me again if I've found that special lady I'd give my heart to. I sat her as she offers to take that position. We laugh because we both know she's only joking. She has a family somewhere. She wishes me good luck, adding that I might find the girl of my dreams today. She was right.

The girl of my dreams walked past me while I was having lunch. She walked fast, maybe she was late for an appointment. Maybe she was meeting someone. Maybe she just walked fast, the way she always did.

Only she wasn't alone. Her smile spread when she saw him. They didn't hug. Not her boyfriend, I thought. At least not yet. Only as I saw them talking, I saw the smile on both their faces. They were happy. they were obviously in love. I know because that's the smile she gave me once, the one that made me decide that I love her. Only she doesn't seem to know. Only I never told her. Only now it doesn't seem to matter. Only time can tell.

Then

Then he was there. He stood in front of me. He stood there and looked at me. He looked at me in a way I've never seen before. Not from him. there was something in his eyes, something different. I couldn't understand.

We were at the amusement park. I was with my friends. We were celebrating one of my best friends' engagement. They were riding the Ferris wheel. I chose to stay on the ground. Then I saw him.

He was standing beside the balloon stand. He must have seen me first because he didn't seem surprised. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't look sad. I contemplated walking over to him. I trashed that idea. I decided instead to just smile and wave. But he didn't see.

It was then that the girl, the pretty one from the restaurant, came toward him and dragged him off. I don't know if he looked back at me. I turned away. There was something breaking inside me. there was something I couldn't understand.

Then my friends brought me back to reality. Then I decided it didn't matter. Then I decided to let him go.

What if

What if she thought my cousin was my girlfriend?
What if he thought I was still with my old boyfriend?
What if she would never talk to me again?
What if he wouldn't let me explain?
What if I just told her before?
What if I just told him right then?

If only

If only I'd walked up to him at the amusement park. If only I had the courage to talk to him. If only I hadn't kept quiet all this time. If only I stared at them at the restaurant. If only I had at least passed by them to say hi. If only I'd looked up before he walked away at the mall. If only I'd walked after him. If only he didn't leave their old house. If only he'd walked up to me and talked. If only I told him how I really felt.

If only I could change everything. If only I could do the things I never did. If only I could walk up to her and hug her, tell her that I loved her. If only I could take her away from the world we made for ourselves to the world we made up for ourselves. If only I could spend my life with her, the way I've always dreamed. If only I could know that she loves me too.

Only then

Maybe only then will our lives start to make sense. maybe only then will our hearts stop hurting. maybe only then can we understand why all these things happened.

Only then would things matter. Only then would we go back to the way things were before. Only then could we be friends. Only then could the possibility of us being more than friends happen. Only then, after everything, could we finally throw away all the pretenses and just be honest about how we feel, about how all these years, after all these years, we loved each other. Only then.

What if only then, after everything, would she know that I love her?
What if only then, after everything, would he find out that I love him?

What if only then would never come?
What if only then?