She inevitably held on to her tears. "Not now, not now" she screamed in her head. Not when the people were too close by. Not when they were ready to tease her, to intrigue her, to cheat her out of her emotions. NO. Not yet.
The meeting ended and the rain began. It was all she could do to walk--rush away and not to run. She stopped, right behind a corner. Waited. Nothing. She has to keep going if she doesn't want the barriers to break. She went on walking.
There was only a few hours left. There was nothing she could do to make up for what she had lost. She counted--prayed. "Lord don't let him call." She prayed. But in her heart she couldn't stand not saying goodbye. And worse, she couldn't stand the thought of actually saying it. "Will he call?"
The phone rang. She didn't want to answer. She almost told them she was already sleeping. But no. That would have been too unfair. Not when she already stood him up earlier that day. No. She couldn't do such a thing to him...not now.
She answered. It was small talk. Most of it was him saying he was leaving. Five times. He said it five times. She knew what was going to happen next. She wanted it. But she was also scared. She didn't want it to happen...not now. "Love you." Once. He said it once.
The barriers broke. The swell overflowed and filled her up to that which cannot be measured. No. She will not say it. No. She will not repeat his words. "Not now, not now, not now." She screamed in her heart. She screamed in her heart with tears in her eyes.
"When you come back, can I be yours?"
She wanted to say it. She longed to say it. But no. It had to wait.
"Love you too...but not now."
-T_T 10:20am Nov. 5, 2009 CSM 333
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
ink gets tired...
Alfredo and Esperanza walked quietly to their daughter’s bedroom. The door was open and the lights were off but both of them knew she wasn’t asleep. Not yet. It was a cool November evening and, from experience, they knew their daughter would be up with her pen and paper on these occasions. The atmosphere was calm, almost inviting, with the peace the family has achieved in the past month. The Gerardos just closed a deal with a construction company and their daughter just graduated from college. Though it was a painful 4 years for her, Anna managed to survive the course, and her parents.
Anna sat on her windowsill, as was always her favorite place. Outside, the sea spread to her right like an endless blanket of black and blue. There were no ships, nor islands, that could be seen that night. To the left of their house were the mountains of Tubay. High up one mountain was a huge cross some missionaries put up many years back. Anna always wanted to go up there but her parents were always too protective. “When you are older,” they would tell her when she asked to go. She often wondered if they had even gone there before and if the fear they have for her was a fear of not knowing what was up there. But that didn’t matter anymore.
“Anna, are you still up?”
“Yes Papa. Why have you come?”
“We just wanted to tell you that the Torres’ will be visiting tomorrow. They want to congratulate you and offer you a job in the city.”
“But I do not like the Torres family. You know how they despised my beating their son at every contest we’ve entered. And I doubt graduation would change anything of their attitude towards me.”
“The Torres family is not that bad, Anna. And Rafael is a young man now. It would be wonderful if you two got along well.”
Esperanza had a way with words that scared her daughter. Anna knew she was getting more than a visit and a job offer from the Torres’.
II
The rainy season was barely over when Anna received her fourth letter. It was from Rafael and it read:
Dear Anna,
I could not believe the many years I’ve spent despising you. The irony of it all: falling in love with the woman I hated all my life. I am extremely at your mercy if you wish to repay me of my cruelties.
The rain has stopped falling and I am on my way to Tacloban to check on the progress of our families’ construction. The building is to be inaugurated by April. Many have doubted the rise of this infrastructure but I think we will see what happens in the end.
You are always with me, Anna. I will never forget you. Even in my meetings, I cannot help but think of you. I long to see you smile at me once more and make all my insecurities falter. Your eyes bury me deep in your soul. I wish I could come back to you sooner. And I will try.
For now, I have to go. Farewell, Anna.
Rafael
Anna stood at the doorway of their house. The people on the other side of the beach were having a fiesta. The colorful buntings hung around and over their houses. Songs of rejoicing for a bountiful harvest were rendered to their various santos. The children danced around the bonfire on their bare feet.
Smiles flew past Anna and some even beckoned her to join. For a moment, she considered it But she knew well enough that she wasn’t allowed. Her parents would not approve of it.
A young man started towards Anna. He was not very tall, only a bit taller than Anna herself. His complexion was rather burnt, presumably due to the hours spent out at sea. He had short dark brown hair and a body type common to young and sturdy men who live by the sea. It was the man’s eyes that stopped Anna from closing the door. His eyes were deep set and dark, yet open and inviting. Her heart skipped a beat as the man stood in front of her.
“Good evening, miss.”
“Good evening. May I help you?”
“I noticed you from the beach and was wondering if you would like to join us.”
“I’m sorry but I am not allowed.”
“Then bring those who do not let you out.”
“They are not here. I am sorry. I must go.”
“Very well, then. Nice to meet you, miss?”
“Anna. And you?”
“Rico.”
III
Anna continued writing to Rafael. She spent most of her days waiting faithfully for his replies. Her friends have told her many times that she needn’t wait for Rafael. He was far away and would not return for a long time still. The wait was turning Anna into sand.
Her once alive and searching eyes now looked deep, old and helpless from the months that have passed. Her skin was still soft and tender as she was still slender almost fit to be a beauty queen. Her hair grew slowly and was now 3 inches below her shoulder since she last cut it. But her fingers still showed traces of ink from writing about so many things that constantly run through her mind.
Carmela, Anna’s closest friend, told her again and again that Rafael was not coming back but she wouldn’t listen. She believed that Rafael would not leave her and even his letters brought her comfort. This was a passion from a lover’s heart that even Anna still did not admit. For now, she had learned to love Rafael.
February came and letters from Rafael flooded. Full of ‘I love yous’ and sweet nothings. There was a sudden excitement as he reminded her that he would be back by April. A flurry of notes went back to Rafael as Anna could no longer contain all emotions that waited for his arrival.
A knock on the door startled Anna from wiping the dinner table.
“Carmela, Rico, you two are friends?”
“Yes. Rico has been my neighbor for quite some time now. How do you know each other?”
A light blush crept on to Anna’s cheeks.
“I visited her during the fiesta,” Rico answered. “She looked wanting of company back then.”
“I believe then there is now no need of further introductions. I will leave him with you for a moment, Anna. He will be very helpful and also entertaining while you are waiting.”
“But we barely know each other Carmela.”
“Then get to know each other.”
It was awkward to have Rico inside the house. After all, it was only the second time they’ve seen each other. But Rico seemed to be an honest man. He didn’t seem to have other intentions for Anna.
The two of them sat on the couch in the sala. Inside, the house was not as big as other beach houses. It was delicately decorated, with a few framed cross-stitched butterflies here and there. Books that were arranged in no particular order filled the shelves and some of the chairs. The house needed a little tidying up at that time. The reception area, or sala, had 3 solo chairs and couch. Anna did not watch television much so they did not find a need for one.
“Carmela tells me that you are waiting for someone. May I ask who?”
Anna was not prepared for this question. She preferred talking about books and current events of other people rather than the events in her life. It took her a while before she could answer.
“He was a friend of mine. He says he’ll be coming back by April.”
Even then, her answer did not convince her. Who was Rafael in her life? Why did it take her long enough to answer such a simple question?
“Are you to be married?”
“I’m not quite sure. Why do you ask?”
“But does he love you?”
“He says in his letters.”
“Do you?”
Anna kept silent and looked outside. The sky was a perfect blue with few cirrus clouds spread around it. A gentle rushing of the waves could be heard from the beach and laughter of children chimed in every now and then.
“Would you wait for someone who promised to come back?” she finally asked.
“I would.”
“How long?”
“As long as it takes.”
“I do not have that long.”
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes. And I’m afraid I will not be coming back.”
“But if he comes back?”
“He will be back before I leave.”
“You seem so sure.”
“I trust him.”
Moments passed until one of them broke into another topic. There was no more talk about Rafael after that. Anna and Rico spent the day mulling over the similarities of a frog and a catfish. It was refreshingly new for Anna to be talking about happy things after a very long time. The deep set eyes of Rico were easier to bear than the longing gazes of wayward passersby who do not understand her. There had been no other day when Anna came out and walked along the beach with a smile on her face rather than a tear in her eye.
The night wind whipped slowly as Anna and Rico started back to her house.
“Where will you go? When you leave and not come back, I mean.”
“Somewhere happy.”
“That would be nice. You would be perfect there.”
“I am not as happy as before. But I thank you for today.”
“I will see you again, I hope.”
“We’ll see.”
IV
The end of March was nearing and April drew much closer. The heat of summer was starting and the children ran around the beach with joy. The endless cycle of waves on sand, the squawking and flapping of birds, and the clear blue sky made up the atmosphere of Tubay. There were more tourists now, searching for resorts that bargained lesser money for better accommodations. These were the tourists that knew better than to give most of their resources to resort owners who should not even own a resort. The lazier ones checked in to the first resort they found ‘nice’.
This hustle bustle of newcomers and children playing on the beach was not, however, noticed from the house that stood a little further away from the rest of the houses.
“Out with that boy again? How could you think of doing such a thing, Anna?”
“Papa, he’s just my friend.”
“Friend or not, you are not allowed to go frolicking with that boy again, nor with anybody else. You will stay here until Rafael comes back. Is that clear?”
“Yes pa.”
Alfredo had had enough of his daughter’s adventures. This was not how a lady should be going about. It was important for Anna to understand that she is in a very precarious situation. She held the deal in her hands and if ever she chose to commit even the miniscule of a mistake, it could end the future of their family. She could not escape her responsibilities now as much as Alfredo would want to go back in time.
“I’m sorry, my child, but you must see what you are getting yourself into. Does Rafael even know that you are talking with this boy?”
“Yes.”
“And what does he think of it?”
“I do not know. He has not written back to me for the past month. I am afraid he might not come back.”
“He will. That is why you should not spend so much time with this boy. You might get used to having him instead of Rafael.”
Anna sat quietly on her bed, looking out the window. Some birds flew by as a summer breeze swept inside her room. There was stillness for almost a minute.
“I do not want you to—”
“Fall in love with dead stars?” she stole the words from her father’s mouth without even looking at him.
“Anna—”
“Which is the dead star, papa? The man I have been waiting for—the man I love, does not seem to be shining for me anymore.”
“Do not think that, Anna. You know he loves you. And he’s coming back. I just do not want you to suffer my fate.”
“I do not think I would.”
“Say that now, but look when you are older. You will realize how it would really be if you do not stop now. When you are older, Anna, you will understand.”
“I do not have that long.”
The curtains hanging on Anna’s window blew inside and the loose papers on Anna’s table flew around the room, on to the floor. A cold chill ran down Alfredo’s spine. A fear of losing another person he loved. A clutching terror lurking behind his daughter’s eyes ready to blot out her whole existence to her last breath. No, he did not want this, but it was what it was.
“You will not see that boy again.”
“It will not matter. He is just my friend.”
V
The warm summer nights slowly gave way to the rain. The tourists have gone and the children lined up every morning in white polos and khaki shorts or blue skirts, ready to go to school. Summer has ended.
Indeed, along with the carefree breeze from the ocean, a life that should have been cherished longer died out. The flame stopped burning as the seemingly endless nights turned into unprecedented mornings. A cool blanket of fog swept down from the mountains. White clouds covered the houses that selfishly tucked themselves under these sheets. The rainy season has started.
The house that stood on the far side of the beach was quiet. Months have passed since the family that used to live there left. As the news carried on, the family seemed to have been bankrupted and the investment on their only hope wasted. They had lost everything.
An open window welcomed a cold wind that blew on the papers lying on the floor. There used to live a girl who sat on that window. Pen in hand, she wrote what others would never be able to understand. Thoughts poured onto the paper as emotions blazed and overflowed. Tears blotted the writings here and there. Words crossed out as if lost in confusion. A certain captive of a soul that proved life worth living, continuously played bridge to the unspoken. But all captives are set free.
Now, there stood a man, with eyes searching and a heart yearning for answers. Regret and resentment flooded his mind, putting it in endless turmoil. A battle that cannot be won. A mind with questions that will never be answered; pages that will never be filled and stories that will never be told.
Perhaps if people didn't let people wait too much, this would not happen. Perhaps if everyday seemed like summer with breezes and ocean drawn scents, this would not happen. And perhaps if books never ended, leaving people hanging, this would never happen.
People get tired of waiting, wasting time for people who value nothing but themselves. Like ink that tires of writing, an end will come for every wait. The inevitable end will give light to what is hidden. To every memory that scarred the heart eternally, it is a breath of life rather than a call for sorrow. A redemption in itself, rather than defeat. Ink rests and finds rest in conclusions.
The paper, carefully folded and tucked inside his shirt pocket, close to his heart, gleamed with its red writing. Ink of scarlet red, as of blood that has been dripped from a fresh gash on the wrist, bore the last of a story that will not find its own end. A wait that will continue on, even through the darkness. A cast of shadows on the face of time. A life lived not long enough to love deeply.
Not long enough to be loved truly.
-Hann
June 8, 2007
1:07 am
(note: this is a fan made follow up to Paz Marquez Benitez' "Dead Stars.")
Anna sat on her windowsill, as was always her favorite place. Outside, the sea spread to her right like an endless blanket of black and blue. There were no ships, nor islands, that could be seen that night. To the left of their house were the mountains of Tubay. High up one mountain was a huge cross some missionaries put up many years back. Anna always wanted to go up there but her parents were always too protective. “When you are older,” they would tell her when she asked to go. She often wondered if they had even gone there before and if the fear they have for her was a fear of not knowing what was up there. But that didn’t matter anymore.
“Anna, are you still up?”
“Yes Papa. Why have you come?”
“We just wanted to tell you that the Torres’ will be visiting tomorrow. They want to congratulate you and offer you a job in the city.”
“But I do not like the Torres family. You know how they despised my beating their son at every contest we’ve entered. And I doubt graduation would change anything of their attitude towards me.”
“The Torres family is not that bad, Anna. And Rafael is a young man now. It would be wonderful if you two got along well.”
Esperanza had a way with words that scared her daughter. Anna knew she was getting more than a visit and a job offer from the Torres’.
II
The rainy season was barely over when Anna received her fourth letter. It was from Rafael and it read:
Dear Anna,
I could not believe the many years I’ve spent despising you. The irony of it all: falling in love with the woman I hated all my life. I am extremely at your mercy if you wish to repay me of my cruelties.
The rain has stopped falling and I am on my way to Tacloban to check on the progress of our families’ construction. The building is to be inaugurated by April. Many have doubted the rise of this infrastructure but I think we will see what happens in the end.
You are always with me, Anna. I will never forget you. Even in my meetings, I cannot help but think of you. I long to see you smile at me once more and make all my insecurities falter. Your eyes bury me deep in your soul. I wish I could come back to you sooner. And I will try.
For now, I have to go. Farewell, Anna.
Rafael
Anna stood at the doorway of their house. The people on the other side of the beach were having a fiesta. The colorful buntings hung around and over their houses. Songs of rejoicing for a bountiful harvest were rendered to their various santos. The children danced around the bonfire on their bare feet.
Smiles flew past Anna and some even beckoned her to join. For a moment, she considered it But she knew well enough that she wasn’t allowed. Her parents would not approve of it.
A young man started towards Anna. He was not very tall, only a bit taller than Anna herself. His complexion was rather burnt, presumably due to the hours spent out at sea. He had short dark brown hair and a body type common to young and sturdy men who live by the sea. It was the man’s eyes that stopped Anna from closing the door. His eyes were deep set and dark, yet open and inviting. Her heart skipped a beat as the man stood in front of her.
“Good evening, miss.”
“Good evening. May I help you?”
“I noticed you from the beach and was wondering if you would like to join us.”
“I’m sorry but I am not allowed.”
“Then bring those who do not let you out.”
“They are not here. I am sorry. I must go.”
“Very well, then. Nice to meet you, miss?”
“Anna. And you?”
“Rico.”
III
Anna continued writing to Rafael. She spent most of her days waiting faithfully for his replies. Her friends have told her many times that she needn’t wait for Rafael. He was far away and would not return for a long time still. The wait was turning Anna into sand.
Her once alive and searching eyes now looked deep, old and helpless from the months that have passed. Her skin was still soft and tender as she was still slender almost fit to be a beauty queen. Her hair grew slowly and was now 3 inches below her shoulder since she last cut it. But her fingers still showed traces of ink from writing about so many things that constantly run through her mind.
Carmela, Anna’s closest friend, told her again and again that Rafael was not coming back but she wouldn’t listen. She believed that Rafael would not leave her and even his letters brought her comfort. This was a passion from a lover’s heart that even Anna still did not admit. For now, she had learned to love Rafael.
February came and letters from Rafael flooded. Full of ‘I love yous’ and sweet nothings. There was a sudden excitement as he reminded her that he would be back by April. A flurry of notes went back to Rafael as Anna could no longer contain all emotions that waited for his arrival.
A knock on the door startled Anna from wiping the dinner table.
“Carmela, Rico, you two are friends?”
“Yes. Rico has been my neighbor for quite some time now. How do you know each other?”
A light blush crept on to Anna’s cheeks.
“I visited her during the fiesta,” Rico answered. “She looked wanting of company back then.”
“I believe then there is now no need of further introductions. I will leave him with you for a moment, Anna. He will be very helpful and also entertaining while you are waiting.”
“But we barely know each other Carmela.”
“Then get to know each other.”
It was awkward to have Rico inside the house. After all, it was only the second time they’ve seen each other. But Rico seemed to be an honest man. He didn’t seem to have other intentions for Anna.
The two of them sat on the couch in the sala. Inside, the house was not as big as other beach houses. It was delicately decorated, with a few framed cross-stitched butterflies here and there. Books that were arranged in no particular order filled the shelves and some of the chairs. The house needed a little tidying up at that time. The reception area, or sala, had 3 solo chairs and couch. Anna did not watch television much so they did not find a need for one.
“Carmela tells me that you are waiting for someone. May I ask who?”
Anna was not prepared for this question. She preferred talking about books and current events of other people rather than the events in her life. It took her a while before she could answer.
“He was a friend of mine. He says he’ll be coming back by April.”
Even then, her answer did not convince her. Who was Rafael in her life? Why did it take her long enough to answer such a simple question?
“Are you to be married?”
“I’m not quite sure. Why do you ask?”
“But does he love you?”
“He says in his letters.”
“Do you?”
Anna kept silent and looked outside. The sky was a perfect blue with few cirrus clouds spread around it. A gentle rushing of the waves could be heard from the beach and laughter of children chimed in every now and then.
“Would you wait for someone who promised to come back?” she finally asked.
“I would.”
“How long?”
“As long as it takes.”
“I do not have that long.”
“Are you leaving?”
“Yes. And I’m afraid I will not be coming back.”
“But if he comes back?”
“He will be back before I leave.”
“You seem so sure.”
“I trust him.”
Moments passed until one of them broke into another topic. There was no more talk about Rafael after that. Anna and Rico spent the day mulling over the similarities of a frog and a catfish. It was refreshingly new for Anna to be talking about happy things after a very long time. The deep set eyes of Rico were easier to bear than the longing gazes of wayward passersby who do not understand her. There had been no other day when Anna came out and walked along the beach with a smile on her face rather than a tear in her eye.
The night wind whipped slowly as Anna and Rico started back to her house.
“Where will you go? When you leave and not come back, I mean.”
“Somewhere happy.”
“That would be nice. You would be perfect there.”
“I am not as happy as before. But I thank you for today.”
“I will see you again, I hope.”
“We’ll see.”
IV
The end of March was nearing and April drew much closer. The heat of summer was starting and the children ran around the beach with joy. The endless cycle of waves on sand, the squawking and flapping of birds, and the clear blue sky made up the atmosphere of Tubay. There were more tourists now, searching for resorts that bargained lesser money for better accommodations. These were the tourists that knew better than to give most of their resources to resort owners who should not even own a resort. The lazier ones checked in to the first resort they found ‘nice’.
This hustle bustle of newcomers and children playing on the beach was not, however, noticed from the house that stood a little further away from the rest of the houses.
“Out with that boy again? How could you think of doing such a thing, Anna?”
“Papa, he’s just my friend.”
“Friend or not, you are not allowed to go frolicking with that boy again, nor with anybody else. You will stay here until Rafael comes back. Is that clear?”
“Yes pa.”
Alfredo had had enough of his daughter’s adventures. This was not how a lady should be going about. It was important for Anna to understand that she is in a very precarious situation. She held the deal in her hands and if ever she chose to commit even the miniscule of a mistake, it could end the future of their family. She could not escape her responsibilities now as much as Alfredo would want to go back in time.
“I’m sorry, my child, but you must see what you are getting yourself into. Does Rafael even know that you are talking with this boy?”
“Yes.”
“And what does he think of it?”
“I do not know. He has not written back to me for the past month. I am afraid he might not come back.”
“He will. That is why you should not spend so much time with this boy. You might get used to having him instead of Rafael.”
Anna sat quietly on her bed, looking out the window. Some birds flew by as a summer breeze swept inside her room. There was stillness for almost a minute.
“I do not want you to—”
“Fall in love with dead stars?” she stole the words from her father’s mouth without even looking at him.
“Anna—”
“Which is the dead star, papa? The man I have been waiting for—the man I love, does not seem to be shining for me anymore.”
“Do not think that, Anna. You know he loves you. And he’s coming back. I just do not want you to suffer my fate.”
“I do not think I would.”
“Say that now, but look when you are older. You will realize how it would really be if you do not stop now. When you are older, Anna, you will understand.”
“I do not have that long.”
The curtains hanging on Anna’s window blew inside and the loose papers on Anna’s table flew around the room, on to the floor. A cold chill ran down Alfredo’s spine. A fear of losing another person he loved. A clutching terror lurking behind his daughter’s eyes ready to blot out her whole existence to her last breath. No, he did not want this, but it was what it was.
“You will not see that boy again.”
“It will not matter. He is just my friend.”
V
The warm summer nights slowly gave way to the rain. The tourists have gone and the children lined up every morning in white polos and khaki shorts or blue skirts, ready to go to school. Summer has ended.
Indeed, along with the carefree breeze from the ocean, a life that should have been cherished longer died out. The flame stopped burning as the seemingly endless nights turned into unprecedented mornings. A cool blanket of fog swept down from the mountains. White clouds covered the houses that selfishly tucked themselves under these sheets. The rainy season has started.
The house that stood on the far side of the beach was quiet. Months have passed since the family that used to live there left. As the news carried on, the family seemed to have been bankrupted and the investment on their only hope wasted. They had lost everything.
An open window welcomed a cold wind that blew on the papers lying on the floor. There used to live a girl who sat on that window. Pen in hand, she wrote what others would never be able to understand. Thoughts poured onto the paper as emotions blazed and overflowed. Tears blotted the writings here and there. Words crossed out as if lost in confusion. A certain captive of a soul that proved life worth living, continuously played bridge to the unspoken. But all captives are set free.
Now, there stood a man, with eyes searching and a heart yearning for answers. Regret and resentment flooded his mind, putting it in endless turmoil. A battle that cannot be won. A mind with questions that will never be answered; pages that will never be filled and stories that will never be told.
Perhaps if people didn't let people wait too much, this would not happen. Perhaps if everyday seemed like summer with breezes and ocean drawn scents, this would not happen. And perhaps if books never ended, leaving people hanging, this would never happen.
People get tired of waiting, wasting time for people who value nothing but themselves. Like ink that tires of writing, an end will come for every wait. The inevitable end will give light to what is hidden. To every memory that scarred the heart eternally, it is a breath of life rather than a call for sorrow. A redemption in itself, rather than defeat. Ink rests and finds rest in conclusions.
The paper, carefully folded and tucked inside his shirt pocket, close to his heart, gleamed with its red writing. Ink of scarlet red, as of blood that has been dripped from a fresh gash on the wrist, bore the last of a story that will not find its own end. A wait that will continue on, even through the darkness. A cast of shadows on the face of time. A life lived not long enough to love deeply.
Not long enough to be loved truly.
-Hann
June 8, 2007
1:07 am
(note: this is a fan made follow up to Paz Marquez Benitez' "Dead Stars.")
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